How to deal with "#roommate_syndrome" in a #relationship.?

 

How to deal with "#roommate_syndrome" in a #relationship.?

Where do passion, intimacy and connection go when love ends? How can a couple, without really knowing how it happened, continue to live under the same roof, but never have sex again?

This is what people who suffer from roommate syndrome ask themselves.

When desire and sexuality become a thing of the past, the relationship loses all meaning. Despite this fact, many continue to share physical spaces, but not emotional corners. Is there ever any hope in these situations? Can anything be done about it? Find out here.

In roommate syndrome, the couple maintains a respectful and cordial bond. In fact, almost without knowing how it happened, they notice that they have become good friends who lack emotional and physical intimacy.

Signs of roommate syndrome

Has your relationship become routine and lacks spark, enthusiasm and plans for the future? Do the phrases “I’m tired” or “I just don’t feel like it right now” always seem to come up? Do you share a home, but not the kissing, caressing, and bonding? If so, you’re likely experiencing this all-too-common syndrome. However, it’s not a clinical condition.

Roommate syndrome is characterized by couples who live together despite a lack of sexual-affective intimacy.

They’re two well-matched friends who pay the same mortgage and share the housework. They may even share the full responsibility of raising their children and taking care of their pets. But the passion between them has withered away like a plant that’s no longer watered. Now, let’s take a look at some other characteristics of this situation.

 

Discover Reflective Questions to Ask Your Friends and Your Partner

1. Living Together Still Works Well with Roommate Syndrome

The main characteristic of roommate syndrome is a sexless couple who get along. There are no conflicts that cause major dissatisfaction, anxiety, or distance. They handle their responsibilities well and live in harmony, which is a reason not to end the relationship immediately.

In addition, they continue to have good conversations and even enjoy common hobbies. It seems that the couple maintains the relationship because they hope to someday restore the lost or worn-out passion.

Many separations are caused by the weight of routines and the loss of emotional presence.

2. Sex is no longer present

Sex is no longer present in the relationship of couples suffering from roommate syndrome. This is accepted not with joy but with sadness and without them really knowing why it ended. It may be that a lack of libido initially arose in one of the people, until the other partner gradually lost desire and initiative.

So why this lack of interest in sex? The University of Southampton in the United Kingdom conducted a study with the British population on this phenomenon. Men and women revealed, among other things, that their lack of interest in sex was due to factors such as not feeling emotionally close to their partner during sex.

At this point, we can't really talk about gender differences. In fact, the reluctance to have sex always has to be addressed holistically, as there are different variables at play.

3. The relationship is maintained by shared responsibilities

Why does a couple continue without sexual-affective intimacy in their relationship? Roommate syndrome is based on the idea that a relationship can continue when there is successful coexistence and there are shared responsibilities. Sometimes the cost of breaking a bond is actually higher than continuing in it, despite the lack of intimacy.

Therefore, the couple continues together because they are anchored in the routine of work, home maintenance, and the daily dynamics that fill their days, but not their hearts.

4. The routine is suffocating, but they are afraid to end the relationship

A study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology highlights that the effects of a breakup can be extremely difficult for both partners to deal with. If partners in a “roommate” relationship stay with each other, it is due to fear of loneliness and the fact that there is still an emotional component.

Routine is the main enemy of the passive bonds of the couple who no longer have sex but maintain a respectful friendship, without illusions, passion and physical language.

5. In roommate syndrome, there is love, but lack of care

An important aspect of a relationship with roommate syndrome is the neglect of the partners and the fact that they do not know how to nurture love. We are talking about a bond where esteem and admiration still exist, but they are neglected. There is a lack of attention, reinforcement and validation.

For this reason, a latent feeling of abandonment remains that the partners, although it hurts, try to repress by focusing on their daily routines and obligations. They choose not to think too much so as not to suffer. This means that they choose to hold on to the things they still have in common and not to the relationship itself that defines them, but which is still crumbling.

6. They avoid talking about what is happening

In roommate syndrome, there is a clear lack of communication. In fact, the couple who no longer have sex will avoid talking about their lack of sexual-affective intimacy at all costs. Instead, they make excuses. For example, they may justify it by saying that the situation is temporary and that things will change at some point.

However, they avoid deepening the distance between them because it is too painful for them to realize the extent to which they have abandoned the relationship.

How to deal with a sexless relationship

When sexual-affective intimacy is no longer present in a relationship, partners tend to sweep the problems under the carpet. They don't want to see them, so they ignore them. In fact, they are afraid to face the situation for fear of losing their partner completely.

If you are currently in this type of situation, first of all, you need to ask yourself if you are happy with the relationship and if it is something you want to continue in the long term. If the answer is no, you should consider the following measures.

1. Talk: what do you need and what does your partner need?

A study published in Frontiers in Psychology shows that communication is the heart of a relationship. It is the driving force that drives a relationship and a skill that everyone should have.

Therefore, if you are experiencing roommate syndrome, you should sit down together and talk about what each of you needs in an empathetic, sensitive and firm way. Honesty and the ability to converse without projecting guilt will be the catalyst.

2. Work on affection and emotional communication

Emotional language is the artery that nourishes a relationship. If you want to restore sexual-affective intimacy, you must make an effort to make mutual care and attention part of your daily routine. Without emotional intention and care, without a commitment to nurturing the emotional aspects of your relationship, it will be difficult to become a real couple again.

3. Proceed with caution, without high expectations

When you are considering restoring your relationship, it is possible that you have really high expectations and want to make changes quickly. But if you don't have sex, you won't immediately regain the passion. That's why it's better to engage in a delicate, slow, and committed process. Letting love flow and building new and genuine desire between you will take time.

To overcome roommate syndrome, you need to break your routines and restore the language of care, attention, and affection on a daily basis.

4. Change your routine, surprise your partner, and improvise

Routine stifles passion. It's more like work obligations. It doesn't foster the magic of improvisation. Make it your goal to escape your routines as much as possible. Surprise each other with surprise dates and last-minute trips. Work on your hopes and dreams together.

Dare to seek help for roommate syndrome

Finally, if you're not making the progress you'd hoped, it's wise to seek help from a specialist. Keep in mind that roommate syndrome is extremely common, and you shouldn't feel reluctant or ashamed to seek help.

If there is love in your relationship and you are both committed to working on it, couples therapy can be really helpful. So don't hesitate to give it a try.

Strategies for Preventing Roommate Syndrome

Prioritize Communication. ...

Keep the Sparks Alive. ...

Make Time For Shared Experiences. ...

Maintain Individuality. ...

Reflect on Your Relationship. ...

Set New Goals Together. ...

Seek Relationship Support if Needed.

To overcome "roommate syndrome," couples should prioritize communication, reconnect, and find shared experiences to rekindle intimacy and prevent emotional distance. This involves open and honest conversations about feelings, desires, and concerns, as well as actively listening to each other.

 

1. Communication is Key:

Open and Honest Conversations:

Talk about your feelings, desires, and concerns openly and honestly with your partner.

Active Listening:

Actively listen to your partner's perspective and understand their needs and desires.

Regular Check-ins:

Schedule regular check-ins to discuss your individual experiences and emotions.

2. Rekindling Intimacy:

Prioritize Physical Intimacy:

Make an effort to maintain physical closeness, such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands.

Rekindle Romance:

Plan date nights, surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, and embrace spontaneity.

Reduce Monotony:

Break up the daily routine by trying new activities, exploring new interests, or having game nights.

3. Finding Shared Experiences:

Shared Hobbies: Engage in activities you both enjoy to build common experiences and strengthen your connection.

Shared Goals: Establish shared aspirations to foster a sense of partnership and purpose.

Travel Together: Take trips to new places or revisit favorite locations to create new memories.

4. Seeking Professional Help:

Couples Therapy:

If you're struggling to overcome roommate syndrome on your own, consider seeking help from a couples therapist.

Relationship Skills:

Investing in learning relationship skills can improve your connection and prevent resentment.

5. Changing Individual Behavior:

Be Spontaneous: Don't be afraid to try new things and step outside of your comfort zone.

Make Time for Each Other: Schedule regular date nights and make an effort to spend quality time together.

Don't Take Each Other for Granted: Show appreciation for your partner's efforts and acknowledge their value in your life.

Preventing Roommate Syndrome In Relationships and Overcoming the 7 Year Slump

In the journey of love and marriage, there’s a crossroad that many couples struggle with: the appearance of roommate syndrome. This tends to coincide with the dreaded “7 year slump.” During this timeframe, couples who have been together for the better part of a decade start to experience rough patches, find themselves drifting apart, and feel like they're navigating a whole new world that leaves them feeling more like roommates than partners (and romantic ones at that!). While shifts and changes over time are 100% natural in any long-term relationship, you don’t have to settle for losing the spark in your marriage. In this blog post, we’re sharing tips for navigating this stage and being proactive about it so you can keep the sparks alive and steer clear of stagnation and boredom in your relationship.

 

Understanding Roommate Syndrome and the 7 Year Slump

While roommate syndrome may seem like a bit of a silly term - there is so much truth behind it. If you’ve ever had a roommate, you may understand what it’s like to feel like you’re constantly seeing each other in passing, making small talk, and simply having surface level conversations around when rent is due, how they’re doing, or what their weekend plans are.

 

Because once the distance is created, you only waste energy trying to repair it. It is impossible to rebuild it because the second person is cunning and has captured the heart.

If you’ve ever experienced roommate syndrome in your marriage, you’re likely shaking your head, thinking, “Oh my gosh… this is us! Help!”

 

You’re not alone, though. This is a common struggle that plagues many couples in long-term, committed relationships.

 

What Is Roomate Syndrome?

Over time (say… around 7 years!), as responsibilities increase, life changes, and partners each grow in their own ways, they can begin to feel more like roommates than romantic partners and lovers.

So what is roommate syndrome and how do you know if you’re dealing with it?

Roommate syndrome is characterized by a lack of passion, dwindling communication, loss of connection, and a sense of emotional distance. This can coincide with the 7 year slump, a period where the initial excitement or “honeymoon phase” of a relationship has ended, and couples may feel discouraged and/or disconnected in their marriage.

Whenever you see that the distance has been corrected and the boundaries have been established between two life partners, then it is time to have a conversation. If the distance cannot be resolved, separating is the best solution, while maintaining complete friendship and intimacy.

What’s tricky about this is, they are often still in love with their partner and can’t imagine being with someone else, yet there’s something inside of them that is not fulfilled or completely happy with where they’re at in their relationship. This can be a really confusing place to be!

 

Strategies for Preventing Roommate Syndrome

One of the best things you can be in a relationship is proactive, and taking steps to prevent roommate syndrome, especially as you approach that 7 year mark, is key. Here are a few strategies to help you keep the communication, love, and spark alive in your relationship.

 

Prioritize Communication

If you know us, we are strong advocates of open and honest communication with your partner, even if it means having hard conversations. We truly believe that having hard conversations can help you connect deeper on an emotional level and bring you closer together.

 

Make time for regular check-ins with your partner where you discuss your feelings, desires, and concerns. Don't let issues simmer beneath the surface, as this will only lead to a “boil over” eventually. Address these challenges and concerns head-on, with empathy, a listening ear, and understanding.

 

Keep the Sparks Alive

Whether you’ve been together for 3 years, 7 years, 15 years, or 20+ years, keeping the sparks alive romantically is a key aspect of nurturing your relationship. This doesn’t always have to look like the same old sex either.

 

Surprise each other with thoughtful gestures, plan date nights, embrace spontaneity, and prioritize physical intimacy. Remember the little things that made you fall in love in the first place and continue to cultivate those moments as you keep the sparks alive.

Make Time For Shared Experiences

As couples make their way through the years, it’s not uncommon for their only shared activities to be kids’ sports games, work events, etc. While those things are great to attend and share together, it’s also important to create opportunities for you to bond in a more intimate, intentional way together.

Create shared experiences that you both enjoy, whether that’s planning trips and traveling, trying new hobbies, working out together, learning something new together, or simply spending quality time at home. Shared experiences that you both enjoy strengthen your connection and create lasting memories.

Maintain Individuality.

Prioritizing your relationship is a must, but that doesn’t mean you should lose sight of your individual identities. After all, self-care and self-awareness is key to your own personal well-being and how you show up in your relationship.

 

Pursue your passions and interests outside of your relationship and encourage your partner to do the same. Continue to embrace your own unique hobbies, friend groups, and passions. Maintaining a strong sense of self leads to personal growth, fulfillment, and happiness, which also transfers over into your relationship. 

 

Overcoming the 7 Year Slump

If you find yourself in that 7 year slump period of time, struggling to find the excitement in your relationship (that you know you have deep down, and so desperately crave!), check out these tips for moving through this and into deeper connection.

 

Reflect on Your Relationship

While you may be in a challenging stage of your relationship right now, it’s important to not discount or forget all the amazing times you’ve shared in your journey as a couple so far.

 

Take time to reflect on where you’ve been and where you’re going. Celebrate your achievements, milestones, and proud moments. Acknowledge the challenges and conflicts you've had to navigate and overcome. Reaffirm your commitment to each other as you embark on the next stage of your relationship. Reflecting on your shared time and relationship history together can reignite those feelings of love and appreciation and put things back into perspective moving forward. Sometimes, all you need is a reminder of WHY you are together in the first place.

 

Set New Goals Together

The goals and dreams you once had as a couple may have shifted, evolved, or taken a complete 360 degree turn over the years, and that’s okay!

 

However, be sure to look towards the future and set new goals and aspirations together as a couple. Consider each other’s wants, needs, and desires and truly listen to and hear each other out.

Whether it's planning for the next phase of your relationship, pursuing shared dreams, or embarking on new adventures, setting goals together creates a sense of purpose and direction in your relationship.

Seek Relationship Support if Needed

Do you find yourself still struggling in your relationship? Don't be afraid to seek support from a relationship coach or therapist if you're struggling to navigate the 7 year slump with your partner.

 

Seeking professional support doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you are committed enough to fight for your relationship, and that’s a good thing! 

Relationship support can provide you with a new perspective, an unbiased opinion, and valuable insights and strategies for overcoming challenges and reigniting that spark and connection in your relationship.

While roommate syndrome and the 7 year slump are common challenges that couples face, that doesn’t mean they’re impossible to overcome.

Like any aspect of a relationship, it takes hard work, ongoing effort, intentionality, respect, and a true craving for deeper connection. The reward though? A thriving relationship that stands the test of time! 

Never get into an argument again when rebuilding a friendship. If your partner is angry, try to calm down. Go outside or visit your family for two days. After two days, you can pick up your personal belongings. Write a letter. Thank you for the days we spent together. I apologize. I think we have reached a point where we can no longer live together and the pull of living together has encountered difficulties. Goodbye is the best way.

By prioritizing communication, keeping the spark alive, creating shared experiences, maintaining individuality, and seeking support when needed, couples can prevent stagnation and reignite the flame of passion and love.

 

If you’re looking for relationship support to help you navigate this stage of your life as a couple, visit our website to learn more about our 1:1 coaching and how we can help you!

If you love someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want you, don't consider them your enemy and respect them. Respect their opinion. If you're alone together, celebrate the day you met them. Greet them respectfully whenever you see them. Apologize for your behavior that offended them. A gift or forgiveness will make them fearlessly respect you and never ask them for anything that they're not happy with.

Kind regards

Samuel

samuel.ku35@gmail.com

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