human rights watch

torsdag 25 september 2014

Divorce - from the children's point of view

Divorce - from the children's point of view
When deciding about divorce , it is often for important causes. A divorce is a decision that has consequences in the family, both human and economic terms , and in addition also for society.
They often suffer most are the children. Children always experience a sadness that the family are separated in a divorce .

Can you make divorce less painful for the child ?
- Yes, if you / you primarily based on what is best for the child, the child's needs and feelings. You must agree on how to cooperate as distinct , for the sake of children .
Many adults "forget" their children in the painful process of divorce is for them. It allows the adults forget to inform the children in the actual course . It is terribly traumatic for a child to suddenly find out that " now mom and dad divorced ."
It is better for the child if they know that you have discussed divorce. For example you can say to the child: - "Mom and Dad have major problems with our marriage. We do not know how this ends - if we are separated or there might be another solution. We work a lot with the problem and get help to talk about this . " Emphasize also how much you love the child and the child does not have anything to do with the divorce.
The child should obviously not be drawn into the discussion, because it's too much responsibility to put on a child. The child should not get into a situation where it feels obliged to choose one parent's side. It should just be aware of what is going on. Through that you inform child before the divorce takes place the child retains his faith in you . It also shows that you are open and that it 's fine to talk about the problems.
This applies first of all to be honest. Answer honestly to the child's questions, even when talking about the divorce and the impact it has . It is important that you are attentive and responsive to the child's signals , so that you can speak out about the child's thoughts. It also requires some self-discipline on your part. Divorce is of course a violent crisis even for you, but sometimes you have to let yourself be secondary and allow the child an outlet for their frustrations and feelings.
What does the divorce for the child's future ?
The main problems for the child is to be forced to be separated from a parent, and that the original family does not exist anymore. In addition to this experience the child to its natural place in the family has been upset .
Most children have a "secret mission" - to reunite their parents. If you ask a child , like it almost always that the parents prefer to remain together than they should be separated . This also applies to marriages that have been very difficult . Children are incredibly loyal to their parents. To achieve the goal of reuniting his parents deny and repress the often their own feelings .
Many children feel guilty when their parents separated . They think that if they just behaved better, or got better grades in school , this would not have happened. It is therefore important to convince all the children that the divorce is not their fault . Children should learn that divorce only occurs for one of the two adults that makes them no longer work together.
In a divorce, children often feel a great loyalty conflict . When the children are with one parent , they feel guilty that they are not in the other and vice versa.
It is important to tell the child that it is not a problem that children spend time with the other parent and that you are aware and accept that the child also has a need to be there.
What reactions can you expect from your baby ?
There will always react to a divorce. The only question is which , and how strong they blir.Var aware that children who do not show any emotions or reactions may need help to express what is within them . It's not good to keep tough thoughts and feelings in himself , and it may be a sign that they want to protect their parents from further problems. In addition , children may be afraid to give parents more ammunition against each other by telling them how they have it.
Preschool children sometimes get a regressive behavior. That means they can go back to some earlier stage of development , such as the start wetting herself again or not wanting to go to or stay in kindergarten. The child may become confused, irritable or have anxiety.
The 6 -9- year-old child is very vulnerable. It is still too immature to fully understand what is happening , but it is big enough to understand that it is very uncomfortable. This child is still very dependent on their parents . At this age children are often very difficult to talk about what they think of . They may react with anger , difficulty concentrating and learning problems.
Children of 9 to 12-13 years has begun to gain significant relationships to other than their parents. It can often be a relief for them if they get to talk to someone outside the family about their problems and feelings. When children come up in 12-13 years of age , the great influence , even on a legal plane , over where to stay . If parents do not agree on the child's residence without turning to the district court for a judgment , so does the law say that in line with the child's increased age should take more account of the child's own wish.
In a divorce , children may react with anger , sadness or depression. If the child does not get the better when conditions become normal again by you talk about everything, and are open to what is happening , you can consider getting a guide that can help to explain how you should talk to the child. You can also consider going in family therapy together or getting individual therapy for the child. Good friends that you trust can be a great help. Group call with others who are in the same situation can also be a great help.
What is important?
Talk to the child. Display an openness to its emotions, which can be anger , fear or anxiety. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, even the baby, even if it hurts inside you to hear what pain your decision may have caused your child. Even if you talked a lot with each other in the beginning of the process, there is a need for you to do it every now and then even later. Choose a time when you are in balance. Check for new queries. The open dialogue is incredibly important to the child. If you can not manage it on your own , seek professional help.
The child may also express themselves without words . Its game is for example very important . Play happily with the baby, and play through all the emotions. The child may need to let off steam physically by violent games or physical activity wheel draw can be a big relief for a child. They often sign that they are thinking about at that moment. It may be a good starting point to discuss the cartoons in order to get an insight into what goes on in the child huvud.Det is important to refrain from vilifying the other parent. It may be tempting , but it is extremely unfair to the child. When you criticize your ex-make/maka criticize you while the baby. The baby is actually a part of the other parent. If your ex-make/maka really is a bad person , the child will probably still figure it out with time.
The child should not be a messenger between parents. If you have a message for your ex-make/maka you can call yourself and communicate directly . If you find it difficult to speak up , do it in writing. It is irresponsible to use the baby as a decoy .
What determines how your child reacts to a divorce?
In addition to the issues raised about how to deal with it all, and besides openness in communication, there are other factors that are important .
These are :
Child's age when the divorce is implemented.
The child's emotional maturity .
The relationship with the parents.
The circumstances of the divorce.
Other people's reactions to divorce.
The child's previous experience with crises.
If there is access to other relatives and carers
Remember that children need a safe base with a well -functioning network around him !
What if it formed a new family ?
If the child early to get to know the mother or father's new partner and any children new half-siblings naturally makes it child's life more complicated.
You can expect difficulties. The child may react with resistance. It may have to fight the battles of the territory to get a place in the new family . This applies both in relation to children and adults that make their way into the child's life .
It requires huge amounts of patience and love to get this to work . A good dose of humor can also help , and to be prepared for this process really takes a long time .

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